A Midsummer Night's DreamAbridged
by wenchly
Summary: A summary of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Disclaimer: AMND and all characters belong to William Shakespeare. The actors this is based on belong to themselves.
1. Acts 1 and 2

Act 1, Scene 1 

Theseus: I'm horny.

Hippolyta: Calm down.

Theseus: Go, Philostrate!

Philostrate: Don't tell me what to do, biotch! *leaves anyway*

Egeus: I'm a cruel and heartless father.

Theseus: Hermia, your father is cruel and heartless; do what he tells you.

Hermia: No.

Lysander: Demetrius is evil!

Theseus: You know, I thought I noticed that…

Demetrius: Dammit!  

(Exeunt all but Hermia and Lysander)

Hermia: *sob*

Lysander: Don't cry; lovers can never be together.

Hermia: For some reason, this makes me happy.

Lysander: Let's run away.

Hermia: I will now have a ten-line speech to say OK.

(Enter Helena)

Helena: Why can't you make Demetrius love me?

Hermia: It's not my fault.  We're running away.  Bye! (Exeunt)

Lysander: Bye! (Exeunt)

Helena: Demetrius is an asshole!  Therefore, I must go betray my best friend so I can stalk my love. (Exeunt)

Act 1, Scene 2 

Quince: Check out my oxymoron-filled play!

Bottom: I love that play!  So what's it about?

Quince: You get to be a lover.

Bottom: Yay!  I'm good at that!  Although I prefer improvised melodramatic tyrant speeches.  I want to play all the characters!

Quince: No.

Flute: You know, I really wouldn't mind if you let him play the girl's part…

Quince: No.

Snug: I'm dense.

Quince: Good for you.

Bottom: I enjoy talking in confusing sentences and oxymorons.

Quince: Let's meet in the conveniently placed wood that is quickly becoming the busiest place in Greece.

Act 2, Scene 1 

Fairy: *flips hair a lot* I'm special!

Puck: Oberon and Titania are fighting!  For some reason I find it all quite hilarious.

Fairy: Are you Puck?

Puck: No shit!

(Enter Oberon and Titania)

Oberon: Drill bet by doomflight, brown bibania.

Director: Bottom, get offstage, I already told you that you can't play Oberon!

Real Oberon: You suck, Titania.

Titania: You cheated on me.

Oberon: So did you.

Titania: No I didn't!  All the evils of the world are your fault!

Oberon: No, it's all _your_ fault!

Titania: Screw you!

(Exeunt Titania)

Oberon: Excuse me while I make several flowery speeches to say that I want a love potion to get revenge on my queen.

Puck: Ok. (Exeunt)

(Enter Demetrius and Helena)

Helena: I want you.

Demetrius: I don't want you.  Go away.

Helena: It's all your fault anyway.

Demetrius: No! (Exeunt)

Helena: You can't stop me from stalking you! (Exeunt)

(Enter Puck)

Puck: Here's the flower.

Oberon: Go control some people's emotions while I go be evil to Titania.

(Exeunt)

Act 2, Scene 2 

Titania and Fairies: Lalalalalalalalalaaa.

(Enter Oberon)

Oberon: I'm not a very nice husband. (Exeunt)

(Enter Lysander and Hermia)

Lysander: I'm almost as horny as Theseus.

Hermia: Wait a few days.

Lysander: *sigh* Okay, fine.

(Enter Puck)

Puck: Yay!  People whose lives I can mess with! (Exeunt)

(Enter Helena and Demetrius)

Helena: I'm suddenly going to stop stalking you.

(Exeunt Demetrius)

Lysander: I want you, Helena.

Helena: What the hell?  Asshole! (Exeunt)

Lysander: I hate you, Hermia! (Exeunt)


	2. Backstage and Act 3

AN: Here's more that I was too lazy to post before. :P  Thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially the flamer, who helped me roast marshmallows.  Yay!

_Meanwhile, backstage..._  
  
-Hermia and Demetrius make out. A lot.  
  
-Starveling tries to convince everyone that girls have sperm.  
  
-Titania loses Oberon's guitar pick. In her cleavage.  
  
-Random Oberon fairy and talking Titania fairy find closets and other dark places.    
  
-Philostrate sleeps.  
  
-Egeus wants to *expletive* Snug.  With an Oh Henry.

-Director murders anyone who dares call him Santa Claus.  
  
_Act 3, Scene 1  
_  
(Enter Rude Mechanicals)  
Bottom: Arr we all met?  
  
Snug: I'm scary.  
  
Audience: No, you're cute.  
  
Starveling: I somehow manage to mess up my only lines.  
  
Flute: Everyone marvel at my falsetto.  
  
Quince: We rock.  
  
Puck: No, you don't. (Gives Bottom donkey head)  
  
Quince: I have the funniest scream ever!  
  
Bottom: *makes several jokes about asses*  
  
Puck: *cackles evilly* (Exeunt)  
  
(Exeunt all but Bottom)  
  
Titania: I like ass.  
  
Fairies: We have names. We're special!  
  
Bottom: Help! I've got an extremely hot fairy hitting on me and I don't know why! Heehaw!  
  
(Exeunt all)  
  
  
_Act 3, Scene 2  
_  
  
Puck: Titania likes ass.  
  
Oberon: Haha. Look, people!  
  
(Enter Hermia and Demetrius)  
  
Hermia: Where's Lysander?  
  
Demetrius: I want you.  
  
Hermia: Screw off! (Exeunt)  
  
Demetrius: Dammit! (Sleeps)  
  
Oberon: Bad Puck! *hits Puck with rolled-up newspaper*  
  
Puck: I go, I go, look how I go! *walks away slowly*  
  
Oberon: I enjoy messing with people's love lives.  
  
(Enter Lysander and Helena)  
  
Lysander: I love you.  
  
Helena: Asshole!  
  
Demetrius: *wakes up* I love you, Helena.  
  
Helena: Screw you all!  
  
Lysander: I'll trade you Helena for Hermia.  
  
Demetrius: No!  
  
(Enter Hermia)  
  
Hermia: I love you, Lysander.  
  
Lysander: I hate you, Hermia.  
  
Helena: Bitch!  
  
Lysander/Demetrius: Let's fight!  
  
Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!  
  
(Exeunt Lysander and Demetrius)  
  
Hermia: Stupid tall people! I can scratch your eyes out!  
  
Helena: Ahhhh! (Exeunt)  
  
Oberon: Bad Puck! Now go make things be good again!  
  
Puck: Wheeee!  
  
Lovers: Damn you all! I'm going to fall asleep not noticing my lover right next to me. (Lovers sleep)


End file.
